Growing up my entire life I was always fat. I was always the heaviest of all of my friends when I was a little girl. I outweighed my mom (I definitely didn't get my genes from THAT side of the family) by the time I was 12. I was never happy with myself, but my family wasn't exactly the kind of family that would watch what we ate. Since I was three, it's always been me and my dad (whose idea of cooking is microwavable taquitos. No offense Dad, if you ever read this). When dinner time came around, its wasn't "What should we cook for dinner?". It was "How many double cheeseburgers from Hardee's do you want?". I don't blame my upbringing for my being fat, but it is apparent that my health consciousness has been self-established since becoming an adult.
I was never happy with myself, and all throughout high school I was always the biggest of all of my friends. I know what it feels like to go into a dressing room with a pile of jeans and even the largest size that you picked up to try on "just in case" won't button. I know what it feels like to avoid talking to strangers because you don't even want to be noticed. I have worn jackets in the dead of summer just to hide my body. I've shed my fair share of tears over the disgust I felt over myself, but I never knew how to embark on the journey to self appreciation and confidence. It all started (unfortunately) with an extremely unhealthy relationship that I was in. I was depressed and miserable, which just lead to more and more eating. At my biggest I weighed 210 lbs and wore 15-17 in jeans.
After a short stint of severe depression which lead to me dropping 20 pounds (the unhealthy way), I began to get a lot of positive comments on my slightly thinner frame. The feeling that I got from these compliments was almost like a drug. That's all it took. I put all of my energy into losing weight, being more healthy, and learning to be happy again. I left the d-bag that I was with and started to research Weight Watchers. My aunt had been counting points and it was working for her, so I decided to do the same. I googled all the information on how WW worked, how many points I was allowed to have, how to determine the points in food, and I began. I will admit- the 8 months-a year that I spent counting points was expensive. I was used to prepackaged food, so buying Lean Cuisines and Smart Ones was okay with me for every meal. I eventually learned how to incorporate healthy foods into my recipes at home and started changing more of my lifestyle, rather than just my diet.
No more white pastas and breads. Wheat only. No more desserts ALL TIME. No more DRINKING my calories. I used to be addicted to sodas and sweet tea. Now that I've pretty much cut them out completely, I don't even want them anymore.
I will forever vouch for losing weight the WW way. Lowering calorie and fat intake, and upping your fiber consumption. I haven't been counting points or calories over the last couple of years. My dieting has been on and off, but the fact that I have kept up a HEALTHY LIFESTYLE has kept me at my post-weight-loss weight and size. I have splurged every now and then and fluctuated between about 5 pounds. Over the past week or so I have been counting calories and trying to get back on the horse because I want to lose 12 more pounds. There's no way I'm going to buy Kendall any skinny shorts. She's buying me some.
It's been hard for me to be open about my "old self" to new people that I meet. To this day, the love of my life has never seen a photo of me at my largest. I am ashamed of who I was- but the more time that goes by, I start to realize "That's not who I am anymore". I was misguided in my youth about health, and now that I am an adult, I realize how easy and fulfilling it is to live a healthy life and so I am proud of how far I have come.
I'm going to do something I have NEVER done before.
It is embarrassing, but astonishing. I have always wanted to hide my past in fear that people would judge me or hold it against me- but that is the fat girl inside of me talking. The girl that used to be afraid of what people thought. That that person used to be me. USED TO BE- Before I made the lifelong commitment of appreciating my body and taking care of myself. I may have my slip ups sometimes (BROWNINES CHOCOLATECAKE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE! I'm a fiend), but I am proof that you can enjoy the things that you love in moderation. I am proud of where I have come from- as shocking as it may be. I am proud that I've kept all of the weight off. The fact that I have kept it off is proof that the big girl isn't the real me. I am happy that this is the real me now:
I'm far from perfect- working on reaching my last goal. Ten pounds to go. A lot of toning to do...
But I love myself now.